It can be difficult to determine if someone is untrustworthy or toxic when you first meet them but over time their body language words and overall vibe can reveal a lot. Whether it’s a romantic partner a neighbor or even a stranger if something feels “off ” trust your instincts.
This is especially true when someone is being manipulative, which may make them seem dangerous or cause you to realize you’re being used. In such cases, it’s important to trust your instincts and remove yourself from the situation as quickly and safely as possible, even if they try to reassure you otherwise.
“If you feel the need to distance yourself or end a relationship, don’t second-guess yourself,” advises Nicole Issa, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist, in an interview with Bustle. Trust your gut, and if necessary, reach out to a friend or authority figure for support.
While not everyone who gives off “creepy” vibes is truly harmful, if you notice any signs of untrustworthiness, take a moment to assess the person’s character and whether they have your best interests at heart.
1. They Ignore Your Physical Boundaries
If someone is disregarding your boundaries, it’s a major red flag. “Examples include standing too close to you (and following if you step away), refusing to take no for an answer, or even seemingly harmless actions like tickling you after you’ve asked them to stop,” explains Amica Graber, a relationship expert for TruthFinder, in an interview with Bustle. While some people may simply struggle to pick up on social cues, Graber warns that manipulative individuals may engage in these behaviors to test your limits and see if they can push further.
2. They Don’t Break Eye Contact
Manipulative individuals, such as sociopaths and narcissists, often have a tendency to maintain intense eye contact. If you happen to make eye contact with them, they won’t quickly look away. Instead, they’ll hold that intense gaze.
“They focus on their target with an unwavering, intense stare,” explains Patti Wood, MA, a body language expert, in an interview with Bustle. “They may say or do something uncomfortable before or after the hypnotic gaze to see how you react.”
To determine whether the situation is truly unsafe, Wood suggests breaking eye contact or stepping away to observe their reaction. If they become upset or you feel an overwhelming sense of relief, your instincts were likely right.
3. They Dominate The Conversation
While some people simply enjoy talking, manipulators often try to dominate entire conversations. “This ‘over-talking’ includes invading auditory space and using paralanguage cues to assert control,” explains Patti Wood, a body language expert. “They’re usually charming and skilled storytellers, which can make listening to them feel almost hypnotic.” The more attention you give, the more likely they are to continue their behavior.
Being an attention-seeker who loves to dominate conversations is another sign of an untrustworthy person. According to Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, BC-TMH, a licensed mental health counselor, these individuals constantly crave your time and attention. “They may act dramatically or in exaggerated ways to shock you or maintain your interest,” she says. “The more attention you give, the more they will persist. This type of person may not be trustworthy because they take emotionally from you without giving anything positive in return.”
4. Their Mood Changes Quickly
Narcissists often become highly upset when things don’t go their way, so be alert for drastic mood swings when interacting with them. As Patti Wood explains, “They can instantly shift their nonverbal cues and completely transform their demeanor.”
This could involve going from sweet and pleasant to angry or irritated, only to switch back again. Alternatively, they might adopt an entirely different “character” to manipulate the situation, says Wood. The manipulation can be so subtle that you might not realize it’s happening until you’re already caught in it. Pay attention to how someone behaves when they don’t get what they want. If you notice them transforming into a completely different person, it might be best to distance yourself.
5. They Seem Disconnected
While intense eye contact can be a red flag, so can eye contact that feels oddly disconnected. This is especially concerning if you’d describe the person as having “dead eyes,” a trait commonly seen in narcissists and sociopaths, according to Patti Wood.
Not everyone is naturally good at making eye contact, but if you’re sensing other negative vibes, this could be another sign to cut the conversation short and distance yourself.
6. They Open Up Too Quickly
If you’ve just met someone and they’re already unloading all their personal issues, it may be a sign that they’re not trustworthy or stable, according to psychotherapist Dr. Laura Dabney, M.D. This behavior not only indicates a lack of boundaries but can also spiral out of control.
Essentially, if someone is willing to share all their deep secrets within minutes of meeting you, it could suggest they lack control over themselves or their actions. While it’s one thing to trust others, if they view you as someone they can offload all their problems onto, it can become emotionally exhausting quickly. At the very least, consider this a red flag.
7. They Make Rude Remarks
If someone is being rude, it’s a good instinct to want to distance yourself from them, as this behavior often points to deeper issues.
“Potentially dangerous people often resort to belittling others as a way to manipulate them,” explains Adamaris Mendoza, LPC, MA, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach. If this person is making you or those around you feel uncomfortable, take note.
“The way they belittle others can vary, but their goal is to make their target feel unworthy,” Mendoza adds. “They might ridicule your appearance, body, goals, friends, work, or dreams.”
This manipulation can be subtle and difficult to recognize, but by staying alert and familiarizing yourself with these tactics, you can better protect yourself.
8. They Know Too Much
If you show up for a date and the other person already knows details like where you work or where you went to school, don’t brush it off, even if they try to act like it’s “normal to look people up.”
While it’s common to do a quick search before meeting a stranger, “If someone starts mentioning details that likely appeared on page five of your search results,” says Issa, “it could indicate they’ve crossed the line from a casual search into stalking.”
If what they’re saying makes you uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to reach out to authorities. If you’re at a restaurant, you can also ask a bartender or server for help.
9. They Move Really Fast
If your relationship with someone new is progressing at lightning speed, it might feel flattering, but as Issa explains, “people who are likely to cause harm often rush in quickly and forcefully, trying to create a false sense of trust.” If things feel too fast or too perfect, it may be wise to take a step back.
This person could be someone who thrives on risk and excitement. “They tend to be impulsive,” says Gunnip. “A risk-taker may not be trustworthy, as they might involve you in situations that push your boundaries.” Such relationships could quickly become emotionally intense and unstable.
10. They Tell You How To Feel
Trust your instincts if someone tries to tell you to calm down, insists that a situation isn’t scary, or claims everything is fine when it clearly doesn’t feel that way, as Issa points out. This could be a manipulative tactic to make you feel a certain way, and invalidating your feelings is often used to control you.
The same applies if they start telling you what to think—this is a clear violation of your boundaries. If this happens, it’s crucial to cut off communication and get to a safer place as quickly as possible. Remember, you’re always entitled to your own thoughts and feelings. If your gut tells you that being around this person is unsafe, trust it.
11. They Don’t Listen When You Say “No”
If it feels like someone is trying to speed up the intensity of your relationship faster than you’re comfortable with, don’t ignore it, warns Theresa Leskowat, MS, LCMHC, a mental health therapist. They may not have your best interests at heart.
This could involve ignoring your “no,” pressuring you to change it into a “yes,” or even giving ultimatums or acting out if you don’t respond as they want. If this behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, regardless of the situation, give yourself permission to trust your feelings and recognize it for what it is. Then, take steps to remove yourself from the situation.
12. They Refuse To Apologize
While admitting mistakes can be difficult, narcissists will often outright deny any involvement in a problem, sometimes to an unsettling degree. These individuals are unwilling to be seen as the “bad guy.” They believe they are always right, and everyone else is wrong. Because of this mindset, they don’t feel the need to apologize or admit any wrongdoing. In their view, they did nothing wrong.
“When you do something wrong, it’s natural to feel guilt. But a person who is less empathetic and untrustworthy will likely avoid taking any responsibility to prevent feeling guilt,” explains Dr. Clinton Moore, a clinical psychologist and founder of Cadence Psychology. “This often manifests as not admitting mistakes or refusing to apologize for anything.”
13. They Can’t Control Their Emotions
If someone is dangerous to be around, a clear indicator is their inability to control their emotions. It won’t take long before you notice a pattern in how they interact with others.
For instance, if you’re on a date and they start yelling at a server, that’s a major red flag — for many reasons. The same goes for if they frequently tell stories about how they “blow up” at work or seek revenge for minor misunderstandings.
Dr. Moore explains that this behavior indicates they can’t “self-soothe” or manage their emotions in a healthier way, which makes them incredibly toxic to be around.
14. They Exhibit Black And White Thinking
The term “splitting” refers to individuals who tend to view things in black-and-white terms, often due to an underlying mental health issue. “The problem for these people is an inability to hold opposing thoughts and feelings,” explains Dr. Moore.
For them, you’re either “all good” or “all bad,” with no middle ground. If you’re dating someone like this, they may struggle to care about you when they’re upset, alternating between loving and hating you. This inconsistency can quickly become problematic.
While it’s something they may work on, it remains a red flag.
15. They Pit People Against Each Other
A toxic person will create arguments wherever they go. “This can sometimes take the form of actions like pitting people against one another through manipulation and gossip,” Moore says.
They might purposefully spill a juicy secret, for example, knowing the ensuing argument will somehow benefit them. And that’s not the type of energy you want to be around.
16. They’re Erratic & Unpredictable
A toxic partner is often unpredictable. One moment, they might text you endlessly, and the next, they could go silent for a week. Experts caution not to dismiss their erratic behavior.
“Behaviors that are aggressive or erratic signal that someone hasn’t figured out who they truly are,” explains Leah Rockwell, LPC, NCC, a counselor and owner of Rockwell Wellness Counseling. “If that’s the case, how can they be good to you in a friendship or relationship?”
It might be wise to give them space while they work through these issues.
17. They Lack Empathy
Ever feel like you’re talking to someone who’s emotionally cold? “Sociopaths and psychopaths are characterized by their lack of empathy,” explains Graber. They may laugh at others’ misfortunes or give off an impression that they simply don’t care.
If being around someone like this makes you uncomfortable, it’s completely fine to excuse yourself and leave. After all, how can you trust someone who doesn’t seem to care about the feelings of others? “They may not be a fully developed psychopath,” Graber adds, “but a lack of empathy is a huge red flag.”
18. They Can’t Get Their Story Straight
When untrustworthy people share information, it can feel like you’re not getting the full story, as details often change as they speak.
“If you notice that timelines, stories, or other pieces of information seem incomplete or don’t align with what makes sense, it’s a clear red flag that someone may be untrustworthy or manipulative,” says Jennifer Silvershein Teplin, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Manhattan Wellness.
Healthy relationships should not be confusing, especially when it comes to communication. “I find that when clients mention that someone is always leaving something out or constantly finds themselves in bizarre situations, it typically means they’re being manipulated,” she explains.
19. They Don’t Keep Their Word
People occasionally make mistakes, and that’s understandable. But if someone consistently fails to keep their word, Deedee Cummings, M.Ed., LPCC, J.D., a licensed professional clinical counselor, warns that they are likely untrustworthy.
Your alarm bells should go off if they try to convince you that you’re “making a big deal out of nothing” when you express concern or ask what happened. Cummings explains that making you feel silly or claiming you’re “confused” may be an attempt at manipulation and gaslighting.
20. They Can’t Handle Negative Feedback
While it’s normal to feel uncomfortable receiving feedback, those who are unsafe to be around often react by lashing out.
“People with more narcissistic traits tend to derive their sense of worth from positive feedback from others,” explains Dr. Moore. Because of this, even constructive criticism can be perceived as an attack.
“This type of response means you won’t ever be able to be your authentic self around this person,” she says, “since you can never fully trust how they will react.”
It can be hard to identify a manipulative and untrustworthy person, as they often know exactly what to say and do to pull you in. However, if you find yourself in an unsafe situation — or notice any of these warning signs — trust your instincts, seek help, and try to remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
Experts:
- Nicole Issa, Psy.D., licensed psychologist
- Amica Graber, relationship expert
- Shannon Gunnip, LMHC, BC-TMH, licensed mental health counselor
- Patti Wood, MA, body language expert
- Dr. Laura Dabney, M.D., psychotherapist
- Adamaris Mendoza, LPC, MA, licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach
- Theresa Leskowat, MS, LCMHC, mental health therapist
- Clinton Moore, clinical psychologist
- Leah Rockwell, LPC, NCC, counselor
- Jennifer Silvershein Teplin, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker
- Deedee Cummings, M.Ed., LPCC, J.D., licensed professional clinical counselor
This article was originally published on March 1, 2019.
